16 Things About Me : subtitled "I Am a Living Oxymoron"

I spent an exhausting amount of time doing this for a facebook tag and now my head feels like it is filled with lime jell-o and I am extremely self-conscious, soothing my psyche and telling it that it's gonna be okay. So, I figured I might as well go all the way and blog it since I'm already nauseated about being this personal on the internet anyway (see subtitle of subsequent post).

16 Things About Me
I have subtitled it "I Am a Living Oxymoron"

1- I am favorite-disabled. Colors, books, food, friends, kids, music. . . it doesn't matter. I'm too squeamish to choose a favorite anything because I always feel bad for all of the colors, books, food, friends, kids, music, etc who might not get chosen.
2- I am an extroverted introvert who teaches for a living, thrives on planing and attending parties, and is so deep-down shy that I still shake before sharing a story in a group of more than 3 or 4 (so doing THIS is killing me. . . softly).
3- I have a multiple personality eating disorder, which I might label haute-white-trash : I savor velvety lobster bisque, lip-numbing 5-star-hot Thai food, peppery Spinach Saag, and any of a thousand stinky French cheeses, but I can gobble down cold mac n' cheese or a sickly-sweet Peanut Buster Parfait like they've been crafted by Bobby Flay.
4- While teaching a French culture class at the MTC, I told the poor, unassuming missionaries that if they didn't respect the French culture, those frenchies might "rip them a new one." I just thought it meant "get super-dooper mad."
5- In high school I devoured novels written by William Faulkner, Toni Morrison, and JD Salinger like they were candy; I also genuinely enjoyed and scarfed down candy-like Sweet Valley High (I read at least 20! yikes), and Jack Weyland "novels."
6- I use words like "hegemony" and "didactic" in the same sentence as words like "Elmo" and "feetsies" and "home-girl" and "like, totally!" Basically I am part lit-theory-nerd, part pre-school teacher, part inner-city-wannabe and part Valley Girl.
7- The biggest reason I go to the gym to run at a mind-crackling hour in the morning is so I can snag me a pair of knee-high pointy black boots with a three inch heel and strut down the hall at Church on my way to get the kids from Nursery by next fall.
8- When I belly-laugh I do it silently and sound like a wheezing old man.
9- Sometimes when I cook dinner I pretend that I am on Iron Chef and have to concoct award-winning recipes with only the meager contents of my beleaguered fridge and pantry; I give Alton Brownesque commentary in my head as I speed-chop and run in a twirling frenzy from appliance to appliance.
10- I have placed a self-imposed Cream-of-ANYTHING-ban on our family menus; I will only crack open a round and sludgy one if the Relief Society forces me to at whisk-point for a cream-and-cheese-based event.
11- I have a Moses-like fear of both public speaking and small-talk; the written word is my Aaron.
12- I swoon over perfectly folded corners, alphabetized bookshelves, and toiletries categorized according to function, caressing fabric or pages or labels like they are newborn babies; I can also tolerate a typhoon of self or child-caused chaos without even an eye-twitch.
13- I over-do absolutely everything and it is deliberate as much as it is relished.
14- I keep myself abreast of the latest fashion trends and have a flair for both outfit composition and purchase (I thrill over online-discount coupons!), and yet I have been known to wear out "stretchy pants" by wearing them with hole-infested over-sized, decades-old t-shirts two (sometimes three--aack) days in a row.
15- Predictable, pathos-saturated, poorly voiced Disney Cartoons make me shed genuine, emotion-inspired tears as I laugh my self-pity chuckle and wipe them away while thinking about the hideously vapid and chokingly cheesy life-lesson I just learned and will most likely try and apply.
16- I adore films like "Ma Vie en Rose" and "Away From Her" and well-acted Shakespeare plays, but I can yuk-yuk with the crudest of them at Will Ferrell, Jack Black, Adam Sandler, and Chris Farley until my sides hurt.